I’m kind of sick of hearing everybody’s thoughts on me, my life and how I’m doing everything wrong.
People make so many throwaway comments to me that I don’t actually realise what they’ve said until a few hours later when I’m alone in the quiet and suddenly I’m haunted by all of these comments that I should have reacted to at the time but instead I allowed them to be said.
The most common expression of distaste that I shall be addressing in this post, is regarding my weight. I have never been, nor will I ever be fat. This may seem a strange concept to a lot of people. But for me it is something that I hate and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try. I have an extremely fast metabolism, so yes I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and I will not put weight on. I have sought help and was on a very intensive diet of 6 meals a day. This meant that I had to eat a meal every three hours as well as drinking high calorific protein shakes. This is incredibly hard to maintain whilst also holding down a full time job. But when I followed the diet strictly, I felt sick constantly and began to really dislike food. I didn’t want to spoil the (normally healthy) relationship I have with food so I stopped following that diet. It was not very successful anyway as I was only able to gain a small amount of weight and as soon as I stopped the diet, the weight started dropping off faster than I’d put it on.
My point being that I do not choose to be underweight, skinny, unattractive or any other derogatory term people use for how I look. But people continue to offer me pearls of wisdom like “you need to eat a burger”. Thank you that is the solution to my problem. A burger. Which by the way would make it through my system faster than the average person and have absolutely no effect on my overall weight.
Another helpful discussion is what ridiculously small size I am. For example, “you must be size minus zero”. Actually I’m a size 8, not that it’s any of your business but thanks anyway.
Today’s comment was “your legs are so skinny” they’re not actually that ‘skinny’ they just don’t have any fat on them like most people’s but instead hold a fair amount of muscle tone. However it is not in people’s nature to notice that I have worked so hard to gain muscle tone in an attempt to improve how I look, instead it is much easier for them to make, what they think are innocent comments.
But surely if so many people say the same about me then I must be wrong!? I must have such a distorted view of myself that I’m missing how terrible I actually look? Surely that many people who say I am so skinny can’t all be wrong. Isn’t that like saying “I’m not mad, it’s everybody else who’s mad”?
I am always amazed at how rude people are to me because I’m thin. I would never in a million years go up to a larger person and say “gosh aren’t you extremely fat” that would be considered rude. I could never give an obese person such helpful advice like “maybe you should chew on a lettuce leaf”. I would most definitely not try and guess (wildly) wrongly what size they were. Nor would I tell them they have incredibly fat legs. All of which are considered social faux pas. So why is it that people continually belittle me by reminding me how hideous I am?!
I firmly believe that if it weren’t for such comments I wouldn’t have such a hatred for the way I look. I wish people would realise that because of them I can’t look at myself in a full length mirror; showering is such a traumatic event because I hate to look at my body so much; I am repulsed by myself; I won’t go swimming (something which I love to do) because I can’t bear to be around people in a bikini or swimsuit; I hate being naked; I hate getting undressed; there are no clothes that I feel comfortable in because they all look stupid on my frame; I won’t embark on a relationship because it will mean someone else will see my body.
I have no solution to this problem which has been overshadowing my life for as long as I can remember. Not one person in my life has ever said anything positive about the way I look. Whilst a lot of people consider it lucky to never have to think about what you eat or worry about getting fat, I feel like I am being punished and I’m destined to be bombarded with cruelty for the foreseeable future.
There are so few people who have never made a weight related comment to me that I can count them on one hand and still have fingers to spare. I think that says a lot about the mentality of people and what kind of society we live in. It’s easy to be cruel about the way somebody looks. It’s very easy to judge something as obvious as appearance. What takes more time, effort and observation is noticing what is beneath a person’s exterior appearance. But we do live in a lazy world where people choose cruelty over kindness. And to be kind is to be weak.