A New Discovery

I have begun to use a different type of blog – purely for ease which will ultimately increase the number and regularity of my blogs.

I have started to use postach.io with Evernote. I’m hoping it provides everything I need

My page is: delilahdelaney.postach.io

Thanks for the running commentary. 

I’m kind of sick of hearing everybody’s thoughts on me, my life and how I’m doing everything wrong. 

People make so many throwaway comments to me that I don’t actually realise what they’ve said until a few hours later when I’m alone in the quiet and suddenly I’m haunted by all of these comments that I should have reacted to at the time but instead I allowed them to be said. 

The most common expression of distaste that I shall be addressing in this post, is regarding my weight. I have never been, nor will I ever be fat. This may seem a strange concept to a lot of people. But for me it is something that I hate and I can’t change it no matter how hard I try. I have an extremely fast metabolism, so yes I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and I will not put weight on. I have sought help and was on a very intensive diet of 6 meals a day. This meant that I had to eat a meal every three hours as well as drinking high calorific protein shakes. This is incredibly hard to maintain whilst also holding down a full time job. But when I followed the diet strictly, I felt sick constantly and began to really dislike food. I didn’t want to spoil the (normally healthy) relationship I have with food so I stopped following that diet. It was not very successful anyway as I was only able to gain a small amount of weight and as soon as I stopped the diet, the weight started dropping off faster than I’d put it on. 

My point being that I do not choose to be underweight, skinny, unattractive or any other derogatory term people use for how I look. But people continue to offer me pearls of wisdom like “you need to eat a burger”. Thank you that is the solution to my problem. A burger. Which by the way would make it through my system faster than the average person and have absolutely no effect on my overall weight. 

Another helpful discussion is what ridiculously small size I am. For example, “you must be size minus zero”. Actually I’m a size 8, not that it’s any of your business but thanks anyway. 

Today’s comment was “your legs are so skinny” they’re not actually that ‘skinny’ they just don’t have any fat on them like most people’s but instead hold a fair amount of muscle tone. However it is not in people’s nature to notice that I have worked so hard to gain muscle tone in an attempt to improve how I look, instead it is much easier for them to make, what they think are innocent comments. 

But surely if so many people say the same about me then I must be wrong!? I must have such a distorted view of myself that I’m missing how terrible I actually look? Surely that many people who say I am so skinny can’t all be wrong. Isn’t that like saying “I’m not mad, it’s everybody else who’s mad”? 

I am always amazed at how rude people are to me because I’m thin. I would never in a million years go up to a larger person and say “gosh aren’t you extremely fat” that would be considered rude. I could never give an obese person such helpful advice like “maybe you should chew on a lettuce leaf”. I would most definitely not try and guess (wildly) wrongly what size they were. Nor would I tell them they have incredibly fat legs. All of which are considered social faux pas. So why is it that people continually belittle me by reminding me how hideous I am?! 

I firmly believe that if it weren’t for such comments I wouldn’t have such a hatred for the way I look. I wish people would realise that because of them I can’t look at myself in a full length mirror; showering is such a traumatic event because I hate to look at my body so much; I am repulsed by myself; I won’t go swimming (something which I love to do) because I can’t bear to be around people in a bikini or swimsuit; I hate being naked; I hate getting undressed; there are no clothes that I feel comfortable in because they all look stupid on my frame; I won’t embark on a relationship because it will mean someone else will see my body. 

I have no solution to this problem which has been overshadowing my life for as long as I can remember. Not one person in my life has ever said anything positive about the way I look. Whilst a lot of people consider it lucky to never have to think about what you eat or worry about getting fat, I feel like I am being punished and I’m destined to be bombarded with cruelty for the foreseeable future. 

There are so few people who have never made a weight related comment to me that I can count them on one hand and still have fingers to spare. I think that says a lot about the mentality of people and what kind of society we live in. It’s easy to be cruel about the way somebody looks. It’s very easy to judge something as obvious as appearance. What takes more time, effort and observation is noticing what is beneath a person’s exterior appearance. But we do live in a lazy world where people choose cruelty over kindness. And to be kind is to be weak. 

Miss Ebenezer Grinch

It’s official. I’m Ebenezer Scrooge, Grinch, Hater of Christmas. It’s sad to admit but it’s been a long time coming. Christmas is a turbulent affair in my family so I’ve come to expect it to be a let down. Every year something spoils the day, not that I usually have high hopes. The magic and excitement that I once had as a child most definitely dissipated when I hit adulthood. This year has been exceptionally tough for my family and me. We’ve been through and are still going through some difficult times, so stopping everything and pretending to be jolly for a day is very difficult. If not impossible.

I’m not by any means the kindest most giving of people but at the same time I’m not unnecessarily cruel to people, nor am I nasty or selfish. But I am considered by most to be a modern day Scrooge. I don’t completely agree as I am generous with money, my time and belongings, I give to charity and try to do the right thing. I have morals and a conscience – contrary to popular belief, so really I’m only comparable to these characters purely because of my dislike of Christmas.

That being said there are many reasons why I’ve come to really dislike Christmas…

  • The 6 month long build up – slight exaggeration but the fact that the countdown to Christmas started in August this year is something I find ludicrous. As far as I’m concerned, summer was still in full swing, and I’m not one to wave off summer prematurely.
  • Every single shop I innocently enter (not to do any Christmas shopping) is playing the same old Christmas songs that get dragged out and played every single year.
  • Every pop star under the sun that has had a quiet year decides to release “their” version of all the old Christmas songs.
  • Difficult family members being most unhelpful regarding what to buy them for Christmas.
  • Battling the crowds when shopping – easily solved with online shopping.
  • Trying to shop on a budget!
  • Remembering at the last minute someone you haven’t bought a gift for that you need to buy a gift for.
  • Writing hundreds of Christmas cards.
  • Forgetting to hand out/post Christmas cards.
  • Being single is more depressing than usual.
  • Opening your door to people you don’t even like or want in your house.
  • Pretending to get along with people you don’t like.
  • Missing the people you do like but who can’t be there.
  • Washing up after Christmas dinner.
  • All hype and preparation for ONE day.
  • The gluttony and greed that emerges as a result.
  • The waste.
  • The cost.
  • The lack of thought given to homeless people who don’t stop being homeless just because it’s Christmas.

I could probably go on and on. But for me this year will be a sad and difficult time because I miss someone dearly but because of circumstance there is nothing I can do to change things. I’m labelled miserable a lot by people who don’t understand me and have no insight in to my private life. There are people much worse off than me and for some they won’t even have anything resembling a Christmas Day. I am truly grateful that I will have the majority of my family around to spend time with and I know I am fortunate enough to have somewhere to live and food to eat and a family to share things with. I am also very aware that for some Christmas isn’t the big happy occasion that it is for most people. I also think a lot of the men and women in the battlefield, and of course of their relatives spending Christmas without their loved ones.

So forgive my lack of festive spirit, I’m just lacking the ability to find my cheer this year. I still hold a glimmer of hope that next year my feelings will change, that next year things in my life will have improved and I can look forward to a merry Christmas. Until then however I shall endure everyone else’s infuriating cheeriness and hope that next year I’ll be the one who is irritatingly happy.

Daily Prompt: First

Learning To Drive – Finally.

So I had my first driving lesson last week. No I’m not 17, nor am I near the age normal people start learning to drive. I am well in to my twenties and I’ve finally (somewhat forcibly) began on this very windy learning curve.

I have avoided learning to drive because I have little confidence in my ability to control a car. I also have little patience with myself, which is ironic as I work in a profession that provokes the comment “I could never do what you do” from the majority of people I speak to. I have resisited learning because I am stubborn and possibly slightly lazy. And I would probably never ever admit this to anyone but I think I’m probably scared. Scared of failing. Scared of making a fool out of myself. Scared of crashing – I do have a tendency to act like I’m in Grand Theft Auto, which isn’t helped that, along with a gift of driving lessons from my parents they also bought me Grand Theft Auto 5. Hmm, encouraging.

Strangely my first driving lesson wasn’t a horrendous car crash – excuse the pun. I actually avoided kangaroo hopping, killing any innocent bystanders, verbally/physically abusing my driving instructor and remained seated in the driver’s seat for the duration of the lesson. This is an achievement for someone as tempestuous and unteachable as myself.

As well as the actual learning side of driving, I’m also very concerned that I’ll never be calm enough to pass an actual driving test. Another reason I’ve never learnt to drive. I’m not one to panic, stress or get overly nervous, I’m very good at controlling my emotions and nerves but this is definitely a chink in my normally impenetrable armour. I wonder why so many people seem to breeze through learning to drive and have no issues whatsoever but I seem to create so many barriers for myself, so that now it’s a much bigger issue than it ever should have been. And therein lies my problem; I can very efficiently stop myself from succeeding because I think I can’t do something.

Tomorrow is my second lesson and I’m actually more concerned about this one than I was about the first lesson. So I may descend in to delinquency yet! Stay tuned there may be a future post entitled “I HATE LEARNING TO DRIVE”.

The results of Facebook stalking.

The following thoughts and observations were too lengthy and inappropriate for a Facebook status the other night, so I shall divulge them here.

During one of my regular Facebook stalking moments (don’t lie, you do it too), I came across a girl I went to school with. I noted the circles she was moving in (socially not physically) and then proceeded to notice that she appeared to be pregnant. Following further stalking and further observation skills it transpired that she was in fact NOT pregnant, but just rather fat in all the wrong areas.

Now that would be a guilt provoking observation had the girl in question not been a fucking bitch. As it happens, she made my school life a misery and continued to do so after I left. She is the reason all the people I went to school with no longer talk to me and why I have some major social-related issues. She is a vicious, shallow, vain individual who appears to have not experienced the wrath of karma… YET. Therefore I was rather pleased she looked like a pale pregnant corspe and with that ceased my incessant stalking and continued to wait for karma to deal her the plate of shit she deserves.

Unfortunately I know our paths will cross at some point in the future (because the country really isn’t that big and it would be just my luck), which, don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t mind so much, I’m more than capable of standing up for myself and putting her in her place; but there are no words to convey the damage she did by behaving like a cruel, immature, selfish child, and even if there were they would be lost on a person like her. As much as I would like to break her nose (it’s the least I can do), I know that I am the better person. So until the zombie apocalypse takes over and I can “mistakenly” gun her down, it’s down to karma to sort out that mistake of humankind.

(P.S I like brackets, ok.)